[Review] A Groats-Worth of Grotesques - a baroque bestiary

Link: https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/357543/A-Groatsworth-of-Grotesques

Full disclosure: I bought this in PDF when it came out, because it’s a historical bestiary and it looked right up my alley! Then at some point the author got in touch with me and offered me a free copy. I told him I already had the PDF, and he was cool enough to send me a complementary physical book! Thank you, G. Edward Patterson III, good sir.

So, here’s an overview/review of this thing!

A Groats-Worth of Grotesques, by G. Edward Patterson III (2021) sets out to bring the fantastic world of baroque bestiaries to the gaming table.

Overall, it contains some 120 grotesques. Each gets an illustration or two (curated from period sources), a description, and a simple stat block (HD, AC as equivalent to armor type, speed “as human” or “as horse” or something similar, brief description of attacks). The descriptions are in a flavorful, baroque style, whimsical, and often give hints on how to use these creatures in-game. There are notes on the margins (in italics, but, luckily, in “printed font”, none of that unreadable “pseudo-handwriting” nonsense).

There are classics as old as ages (Catoblepas! Leviathan! Wildmen!). There are weird creatures, based on partial descriptions or illustrations, supplemented by the author’s whimsical fantasies. Some are “imported” creatures, for example the Haunted Umbrella (at least I think it is an adaptation of the kasa obake). There are “natural” but exotic beasts (Ostriches, Elephants). The “common” beasts like Cats and Dog are given some little twists, as the author retells superstitions of legends connected to them.

There are also a couple of NPCs: Clerics, Fighters, Magi and Rogues. These entries are great, as each class gets a handful of flavorful “subtypes”. The Fighters also stand in as ruffians, for example the Damned Crew are carousing, rapier-wielding bastards. The Chartumim subtype of Magi are “reasoners or disputers upon difficult points in philosophy who have become enchanters and conjurers”, and often serve as advisors to local nobles. There is a baker’s dozen of Rogues. This is VERY GOOD stuff! Instant story seeds & hooks and great for that historical flavor.

The physical book is softcover print-on-demand, pretty easy to use, especially how each monsters gets a separate spread. My only minor complaint is that the digital version is a 600+ megabyte unoptimized PDF – but at least this way you get good quality images and can delight in every cut of the historical engravings.

Overall, I think this book strikes the perfect balance between being an atmospheric and authentic in-setting text, while maintaining actual gameability and content you can utilize when running your campaign.

If you run Lamentations of the Flame Princess – pick this up. If you need some classic (as in “going back to antiquity”) beasts and some weird, interesting monsters for your OSR game – pick this up. It is a delight and a good source of inspiration.

Link: https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/357543/A-Groatsworth-of-Grotesques

It's $4.99 for the PDF, so, I guess, that's the exchange rate of a groat? Anyway, these Grotesques are definitely worth a groat.

[Secret Jackalope!!] Perils of the Bleak Forest, being a Survivor’s Guide for the Recently Exiled

After the Secret Santicorn, the OSR discord server is doing Secret Jackalope! I requested a random generator of pulpy lost races, and Stefan "The Moth" delivered a set of amazing sci-fi tables. My prompt was from Phlox (author of the blog Whose Measure God Could Not Take), who requested "an in-character description of a monster, from an in-universe monster manual"! This prompt proved to be tricky, because it's more about creative writing than game design... But I did my best, and came up with this Veins in the Earth-like "world building through bestiary", an in-universe survival guide for people who are exiled to a cursed forest covered in volcanic ashes.

Happy Secret Jackalope to everyone!

“Perils of the Bleak Forest, being a Survivor’s Guide for the Recently Exiled”

Grey-barked Crooked Willows

When the thirst becomes unbearable, look for crooked willows with the dark grey bark, for the roots of these abominations reach down into the moist strata of the soil deep under the ashes. Dig deep, and have a vessel ready to capture the drops of life-giving liquid.

Beware, though, that among these trees, some are sentient and thirst not for water, but for the very blood of exiles like you and me. You can tell them apart by the swaying motions of their branches that do not adhere to the blows of the howling winds.

The crooked willow cannot uproot, but the reach of its branches is longer than you expect. They strike with deadly precision, like a whip; then entangle and draw their victim close to their trunk; and then their bark cracks open and the black tendrils desiccate thy body.

Nighthowls

As far as I could establish, the lupine howls that we hear during the darkest nights are not anchored to any body or beast; they are but resonances of the air and murderous intent. When you first hear them, there still might be a chance to flee, but choose the direction wisely. The Nighthowls travel in spirals. If you cannot hear them, they cannot hurt you. But even if just the faintest sound gets through, the mind is flooded with nightmarish visions and never recovers.

Some say the Nighthowls’ victim becomes the eye of the sonic storm from then on, but I do not believe this.

Opaque Beast

Twice the size and thrice the strength of a bear, this fearful monstrosity is in fact one of the lesser perils of the land. It never attacks, unless its eggs are threatened. The Beast’s yellow eyes absorb light – that’s why its appearance is foreshadowed by a fog of dusk. Somewhere in the center of this darkness is the nest of the Beast, where it lays eggs. The obsidian shells hide nutritious yolk, enough to feed three men for three days.

All hail Lord Mark!

What can I say? After many sleepless nights of deleting comments, I gave in to temptation and contacted Lord Mark.

I was not disappointed!

Lord Mark is a charming, polite gentleman, a vampire lord of the highest standing. In exchange for granting me immortality, prosperity, and mental alertness, he asked me only to spread the word about his greatness and good posture.

Lord Mark

No. Appearing: 1, but under all available channels, posts, forum threads at the same time. Lord Mark is omnipresent

Hit Dice: 1

Armor Class: as Leather

No. of attacks: 1 per opponent

Damage: 1-6

Movement: as Unencumbered

Morale: 12

Lord Mark is one and a legion at the same time. When He appears, he seems to be singular, but in fact everybody present has to face Lord Mark on their own, separately, and only then move on to help others. This is mostly annoying, but if left unchecked, whole towns can be overrun by Lord Mark's avatars.

If somebody willingly accepts Lord Mark's offer, that person becomes infected by the human vampire virus and will be forced to spread Lord Mark's message at every opportunity.